- kylogical resonance -

Dear readers, this may be a long post.

Emotional or not, your decision to conclude.

Warning: I wrote this because this is my blog, and I want to express

my feelings by writing, not because I want the world to know my problems.

Please, if you think this post is too long and pointless, don't read..

My dear friend, I do not think I'm always right. My problem is that I
overthink. I know I always make assumptions. You think I 'emo' to
attract girls' attention, but I just love being quiet, staring blankly at the
floor or any random spot. It gives me peace, to stay away from the world.
Not because I hate people, I'm sensitive and afraid to get hurt by the society.
I think its pointless to keep trying to socialize after being rejected. You
always say they reject me because they were only 'kidding'. But no-one
cares about how I feel, its like a REJECT

chopped above my head over again and again.

You said you were gonna help me, to forget my past, my phobia.

But you were the one who brought it up again.

You said you weren't gonna get involved between my problems and

someone else who is close to you, but you helped the opposite instead.

You helped me realize my mistakes, and you comforted me,

but you were the one who always makes it worst.

You said there was nothing between us anymore, no more anger,

but you showed how much you hated me the very next day.

You said you hated me before, not anymore,

but the truth is you still do hate me, facts remain and 

I'm not the only one that could see it.

I know you never wanted my help, my attention, my time.

I literally forced you into a close-friend relationship, and

I never thought of how you feel, and what you were going through.

You are the main, famous and always surrounded in class.

No matter where you are, there are always people around you.

With an annoying person like me bugging you, it only made your

day worst. You had problems with your dad, and I never bothered.

Instead, I made your parents scold and harm you, when you

weren't the one to blame, you were innocent, I was in fault.

You told me, you used to think like me before, but you 

never showed it in school or to the society, because you 

thought it wasn't worth being sad outside of your house,

when it was already like hell being in that family.

I don't know how you do it, but I just can't. It wasn't

my house or family who makes me sad. Its the people

in the school. I dislike school, it makes me sick. I meet

all kinds of people already, and I'm tired of exploring

this terrible world. I really salute you for your strength.

We've talked about our problems many many times.

Just when I thought everything was over, things got worst.

Because of one mistake I did, led to another and another.

Things used to be fine, we were starting to get to know each other.

I blown it up, and boom, it was already 4 months past.

I respect you and I do not follow you everywhere like a pest anymore.

But people are now starting to make fun of 'you and me'. Whenever 

somebody talks about us, or says my name, you totally reject me like

I'm your biggest nightmare. I don't even stick to you anymore, I don't

know why people bring this up. Because it hurts to stick to you. I know

whenever I come to you, you will show a disgusted face and run away.

You show it to everyone, and you always say I'm smelly or scary.

You'll just run away, far far away, that is why I never come to you.

I've forgotten who I am, people are SICK of me I know.

I'm starting to get on everyone's nerves because of my emo-ness.

But indeed, I get the peace of being quiet alone than being made fun of.

I do miss the laughters with my good old buddies, and I mostly got along

well with anyone I knew. I was never like this, no matter the 8 years of

terror, I hanged on and became who I am today. But now I am weak

as ever.. because of you my friend, you made me weak. I don't know

what I am doing in my life right now. Nothing seems to be in place.

Now, the phobia is coming back, along with another one starting.

People are making fun of my eyes since the beginning of this year.

I was born with small eyes, these are my eyes and I can accept the fact.

So why are you people so eager to bother about it ? ..

Now, even the closest person I have which have been with me since

primary isn't even by my side anymore. I don't know what is happening

to me, everyone is leaving. Everybody plays with my feelings.

Not all of you respect my feelings, instead you play with me like a game.

I thank you for some of you who care, and put effort in strengthening me.

But I'm tired, of this. How I wish I don't have feelings.

You, my dear friend, have weakened me. I'm not who I used to be
anymore. Even if I want to be who I used to be, I simply can't. My
past don't let me. The society will remember what I became, and I
will never get to turn back. I guess I've learned to adapt to being the
quiet, emotional me, a sensitive brat. People are making fun of me,
and you sometimes lead them. It hurts, especially when you do it,
but I go through it everyday. I always tell you how hurt I am, but

you say you were just 'joking'. You don't seem to 'joke' like that with
your other friends. I am only one of your toys, an easy target to play
with. I realized  I never made you laugh, because you were always
laughing at me with others. I can only see you laugh from afar,
but not with you. As long as you're happy.

You asked me to stand up for myself when I'm made fun of,

but you were one of those who made fun of me. Yet, when I

finally had the guts to defend myself, you defend your friends.

So I don't get what you want me to do anyway.

I don't know which is the real you. When you are alone with me,

we can chat about anything at all, and you seem so nice. But when

your friends are around, you make fun of me with them, like I

was existed to be a joke of the class. I don't know, I just don't know.

Which is really you ?

part is when I teared in front of you in your room.

You said its true, and you asked me whether I mind, that

you only find me when you're lonely (friends not around),

its not whether I mind or not, its your choice really.

I do not matter to you until the world isn't here to be with you.

Therefore, I have made a decision.. for the best of us.

I will not stick to you anymore, I've put too much hope and tears.

I will not find you, nor try to bring us together, by force.

Until one day, you find me willingly, not because you're lonely,

but because you want to be friends with me. Though its hard for me,

to forget you, especially when we're in the same class. But as long

as I don't bother you, as long as people don't make fun of you

with 'my name', as long as I don't burden or make you angry.

I am happy to leave you behind, a forgotten past.

I wish I never knew you, I wouldn't have to suffer..

Its not your fault anyway, I was the one attracted.

Dear readers, you probably already know who

I'm referring to as 'you', if you are my classmate.

I don't care if you think I'm gay. Its your choice to

think so, because I know who and what I am.

I truly believe in friendship and loyalty.

You may think I am a sissy.. especially dripping tears

because of another dude, and I've never been as

sensitive as this before.. I just don't know.

But I am as straight as an arrow.. so think as you like.

Sorry for the long post. Warning given.

A song to forget you.
i hate you to death (even more you, who are like this)
i hate myself to death (even more me, who is like this)
just one more time, one more time, look at me
now i’m crying

Until then,

Devilfish.