Diary entry #15 - 20 March 2012
It's been a rough week for me during the holidays. Didn't do much though, it was kinda ruined :/ The only things I did were preparing for CG booth last Saturday, and partying at my friend's house. I'm really grateful for one, that I'm finally able to talk it all out with someone who can understand what I've been going through lately, which sums up all the pain I've kept in my chest these two years. I definitely feel better letting it all out, even when things aren't really getting better. The party at my friends house which most of us sleptover at, really gave me the chance to calm down and forget this conspiracy for awhile.
I've been thinking way too much lately, and boy do I need to chill the fudge down. After all these years, I've never learned my lesson. I'm always trusting others easily and I realize that sometimes, being way too nice is being vulnerable. In a way, I'd be easier to target when I'm not strong and that's when I see the true colors of those who I thought I could trust. Well this time, its not entirely like that, but I just don't know what's real and what's fake anymore. Which is the truth and which are lies? Have I been in a delusion all this while not to realize sooner that I was being lied to all the time? I was so happy at one point, but that too was a delusion. At the very climax when I felt on top of the world, not for myself but for someone and yet that happiness and hope just got crushed into pieces like stealing ice-cream from a kid and throwing it on the ground.
The lyrics in the song 'This Is The Part Of Me' by Katy Perry pretty much relates to me right now. 'Days like this I want to drive away. Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade. You chewed me up, and spit me out. Like I was poison in your mouth. But that was then and this is now.. This is the part of me that you'll never gonna ever take away from me.'
Just so you know, I've never blamed you for anything. If there was a reset button that could give us a fresh start, I'd press it. I'll disappear for now. But when you think you can finally accept me for who I am, I'll be here waiting.
Til then,
Leo.
